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September 01, 2006

People, Places and Things.

I had some news this morning that made me very sad. Someone that I care greatly for, who has not been an active part of my life for many months because of ridiculous resentments on both sides, had relapsed recently, but fortunately is getting back in recovery.

There are days when I really, really hate this disease.

Oddly my job consists largely of talking to family members who take responsibility for their loved ones using, who wonder what they could do to change another persons behavior. I spend hours everyday letting people know that their behavior and the behavior of the people they care for are not directly connected. That no amount of love will prevent someone from using drugs, alcohol, sex, gambling...the list goes on, and that spending time going over that list of "what if"s is not helpful to anyone.

Of course, those rules don't apply to me. So this morning I have played over and over things that I could have done differently to make myself more available to this person. All of these things would have placed my own sobriety in jeapordy by the way. I have imagined his behavior while he was using and become angry that he did not pick the phone up and call me before he acted out in this manner.

I have built and dismantled resentments toward friends who knew about the relapse for a few days and failed to tell me. That was easy.

Surprisingly easy too was letting go of my anger with him for relapsing. I am still sad, I guess that's ok. I am sad that we aren't active friends right now, that he didn't feel he could reach out to me, or anyone else for that matter and be honest about his using. I am sad that he was hurting.

I am sad that I don't have the ability to keep other people sober.

And frankly, grateful that I don't have that responsibility.

Put him in your prayers if you would, just pray for Jim's friend.

And if you have a minute say one just for Jim too.

Posted by JimG at 09:12 AM | Comments (8) | TrackBack