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August 31, 2005
I couldn't be happier
Expectations suck.
I have some regular plans, that go off without discussion , usually. From time to time there are changes, but for the most part I can tell you what my week will look like in advance. I like that, it is comfortable. Every once in a while then unspoken plans I have are changed by someone else and I struggle with all the feelings of... well a variety of things.
Usually what happens is I personalize other peoples decisions, making it all about me and I start to think that the reasons that plans have been changed is because someone does not want to spend time with me. Ugh, self absorbsion is unpleasant.
So all the fears of abandonment I have( you know the ones that prevent me from actually taking a chance on a relationship thereby confirming the idea that I am destined to be alone) rise up again. To prevent people from abandoning me, by the way I totally blame this on being adopted but that is something for another post, I make elaborate plans to sever all ties with the person or persons who historically have absolutely no idea that I am even upset(because if you tell people that you are upset they will abandon you, see how this all works neatly together).
Thank God for the steps and the fellowship. In the past the only way I knew how to deal with any of these "issues" was to get high. Today thankfully I have other tools. I talk to friends, pray and most important I am able to laugh at the cycle of my thinking.
It passes.
By the way, if you are reading this than you are some of the friends I am talking to about it.
Thanks for keeping me sober today.
Posted by JimG at August 31, 2005 08:17 AM
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Comments
Wow... I identifed with your post so much today. I understand the issue of abandonment also. I too place partial blame on my own adoption, my adoptive parent's subsequent divorce and then my older brother's death. It is much easier to not trust or depend on someone or so my thought process tells me.
Fortunately, I didn't end up on drugs though I hid in a conservative Baptist church betting myself up over my homosexuality.
Thanks for your reminder of how fortunate we are and what God has given.
Steve
Posted by: steve at August 31, 2005 02:13 PM
Damn, Jim.
I could have written that.
I too am adopted, for one. But I don't think that has anything to do with anything, for me.
Posted by: Dave / higher powered at August 31, 2005 07:57 PM